— Meanwhile in Canada (@MeanwhileinCana) August 4, 2017
Trojan’s next commercial should just be a guy saying “See?” while pointing at my kids when they’re fighting over a cookie.
— Father Drinks McGee (@drinksmcgee) April 5, 2016
— GoldenGirl Reactions (@goldengirlreact) August 4, 2017
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) July 11, 2017
INTERVIEWER: What’s your biggest weakness?
VANILLA ICE: I’ve been known to steal under pressure
— Michael, still here (@Home_Halfway) April 17, 2016
So there I was, sitting by myself at my own surprise birthday party, 2 hours and 5 beers in, when I remembered I never sent out the invites.
— Brandon (@BCMontgo) April 22, 2017
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) May 20, 2017
I love the Lean Cuisine ads that show the food in an real bowl, next to a cloth napkin. Like someone just said “Jeeves! My Lean Cuisine!”
— Beverlicious? (@blade_funner) August 4, 2017
I’ll have a coffee w almond milk please.
We don’t have almond milk.
oh. Then I’ll just have a lasagna encased in a pizza made of Nutella.
— Natalie Reilly (@thatnatreilly) July 23, 2017
ALWAYS BE POSITIVE
*Trips down the stairs*
Me:” Whew,I got down those stairs so fast!!”
— Jerryy (@sajal21gupta) July 14, 2017
[My horse got into an accident]
Me: How is he?
Vet: His condition is not very…stable
Me and Vet: Hahaha
Vet: Ur horse is going to die
— Hyde (@frogshack) July 26, 2017
1965: throw a party
1975: send a gift
1985: mail a card
1995: send an email
2005: send a text
2015: send a gif
— ?ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)? (@3sunzzz) August 3, 2017
“I fantasize about going back to high school with the knowledge I have now. I would shine. I’d have a good time, I would have a girlfriend.” pic.twitter.com/g7Ll7SMCla
— William R King (@phil_osborne) June 25, 2017
Hot singles in your area are ready to have second thoughts after actually meeting you in person.
— JoelKrass (@JoelKrass) March 14, 2017
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
— Swim Jeans ? (@ShortSleeveSuit) May 18, 2017
Horoscope: Today you’ll meet the love of your life.
Whorescope: Ultimately, she cheats on you.
Horrorscope: Also she murders your family.
— ᗷᖇᎥᗩᑎ (@the_brian_show) April 5, 2017
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
— stACE (@girl_a_whirl) February 12, 2015
I put my pants on in the morning just like anybody else: a flawless double-leg jump entry without dropping EITHER of my post-shower hotdogs.
— Cyborg H. (@CyborgHanky) July 8, 2017
Interviewer: why should we hire you?
Me: so I can pay my rent
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) January 28, 2016
Stop fat-shaming trucks pic.twitter.com/rTf2wMaVZ9
— REW (@therealeatwood) May 16, 2016